I decided to open my blog with this topic because lack of self-compassion is something that more often than not enters the therapy room.
You may have come to therapy because of bereavement, anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, or simply because life has become difficult to navigate. We start with your story. We explore what has happened, what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and what is going on in your life.
And as we work through your narrative, there is often something else that begins to come to the surface. Something that may not have been the reason you initially came to therapy, but which can be sitting underneath so much of what you are experiencing: a lack of self-compassion.
Self-compassion is, in simple terms, about treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding and patience that you might naturally offer to a good friend who is struggling.
This sounds simple enough. But in the therapy room, I often notice just how difficult this can be. We might ask: “What would you say to your best friend if they were in exactly the same situation?” And usually, the answer is very different from the way you are speaking to yourself.
You might tell your friend that they are doing their best. That it is understandable they are struggling. That they are allowed to make mistakes. That they don't have to be strong all the time. That what they are going through is difficult and that they deserve some kindness. But when it comes to you, somehow there is no alignment between that perfect advice and the emotional response that actually resonates with you.
You may know, intellectually, what you should be telling yourself, but somehow you can't quite feel it. So what gets in the way? This is where therapy can become an opportunity to explore some of the beliefs you have developed about yourself.
We can start looking at your conditions of worth — the things you may have heard, experienced and eventually come to believe about yourself. Perhaps you learned that being strong meant not showing vulnerability. Perhaps you were expected to cope, to achieve, to be independent, or to put other people's needs before your own.
Maybe you learned that difficult emotions were something to get over quickly. Perhaps you became the person who is not allowed to be seen as vulnerable. The person who has to power through. The person who shouldn't spend too much time “wailing” about the current situation. And these ways of being may have served you at some point. They may have helped you survive, function, achieve or simply get through a difficult period in your life.
But we can also ask:
Are these beliefs still useful to you today?
Self-compassion is not about making excuses or avoiding responsibility. It doesn't mean telling yourself that everything is fine when it isn't. It means being able to acknowledge that something is difficult without adding another layer of criticism to your experience.
Researcher Kristin Neff describes self-compassion through three interconnected elements: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
Self-kindness means responding to ourselves with understanding rather than harsh self-criticism.
Common humanity is the recognition that struggle, mistakes and suffering are part of being human — we are not the only ones who struggle.
Mindfulness allows us to notice difficult thoughts and feelings without ignoring them, but also without becoming completely consumed by them.
So, instead of:
“I'm useless because I made a mistake.” self-compassion might sound more like: “I made a mistake, and that's difficult. Mistakes happen. I can learn from this and try again.” The difference may seem small, but for someone who has spent years being critical of themselves, it can be significant.
And there is another important part to this.
Sometimes, the lack of self-compassion is not simply about not knowing how to be kind to yourself. Sometimes there is a block.
Perhaps being compassionate towards yourself feels uncomfortable. Maybe it feels indulgent, weak, selfish, or even undeserved. If you have spent years believing that you need to be strong, productive, independent or useful in order to have worth, then giving yourself permission to slow down and acknowledge your own suffering can feel strangely unfamiliar. This is why I think it is worth exploring where these beliefs came from and whether they still have a place in your life today.
Whatever the cause of that block, it is worth examining. Because perhaps the greatest gift of therapy is not always finding the right answer or making difficult feelings disappear. Perhaps it is permission.
Permission to extend towards yourself some of the compassion you so readily give to other people. Permission to be vulnerable. Permission to acknowledge that something hurts without having to justify why it hurts. Permission to stop fighting yourself. And permission to feel what you need to feel and move through whatever has been keeping you stuck.
Self-compassion does not mean giving up on yourself. Perhaps, quite the opposite. Perhaps it is finally learning to stand on your own side.
And sometimes, you might simply need permission to cut yourself some slack.
References
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860390129863
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047
Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856–867. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22021
Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationship between self-compassion and well-being: A meta-analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 7(3), 340–364. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12051