When we talk about grief, the first thing that often comes to mind is the loss of someone we love.
Bereavement is one of the most recognised forms of grief. There is a clear loss, and often a shared understanding that we are grieving.
But grief can take many forms.
We can grieve an older version of ourselves. We can grieve changes in the people around us, relationships that have become different, opportunities that have passed, or things we wish we had said or done but never did.
We can also grieve the decisions that took our lives in different directions.
The paths we chose.
The paths we did not take.
The lives we imagined but never lived.
Sometimes, we may not even recognise these experiences as grief.
We might simply notice that something feels different. We may feel unsettled, sad, disconnected, or find ourselves thinking about something that has changed, even when we know there is nothing we can do to change it.
In this way, grief can sometimes be quieter than we expect.
Some losses are intense and obvious, while others are more difficult to identify. Yet they can still influence our thoughts, emotions, relationships, and the way we see ourselves.
Perhaps this is part of how we continue with everyday life. We adapt to change, adjust to new circumstances and keep moving, sometimes without having the opportunity to fully acknowledge what we have lost.
The Grief Within Change
Change and growth are a natural part of life.
As we move through different stages, we often leave behind parts of ourselves, including patterns, behaviours, beliefs, and ways of relating to the world.
Sometimes these changes are clear. We may recognise that we have become more confident, that our priorities have changed, or that we no longer want the things we once wanted.
But other changes happen more quietly.
A pattern we no longer repeat.
A behaviour we gradually stop engaging in.
A belief we begin to question.
A relationship with ourselves that starts to shift.
A way of responding to the world that no longer feels quite right.
These changes may be positive, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are free from sadness or loss.
Even when we welcome change, there can still be a part of us that misses what came before. Becoming someone new can sometimes mean saying goodbye to parts of who we once were.
We may find ourselves missing who we used to be, even though we know we could not remain the same.
We may feel sadness about a choice we made, even when we understand why we made it.
We may find ourselves thinking about a possibility that is no longer available to us.
These feelings don't necessarily mean that we have made the wrong choice or that we need to go backwards.
They may simply be part of recognising what has changed.
When Grief Continues to Affect Us
Sometimes, a loss can continue to affect us long after the original change has taken place.
We may find ourselves returning to the same thoughts or feelings.
The same fears.
The same questions.
The same stories we tell ourselves.
The same patterns in our relationships.
We may understand intellectually that something has changed, and yet still notice that certain feelings or reactions continue to arise.
This can sometimes leave us wondering why we are still affected when we thought we had already moved on.
Perhaps this is where it can be helpful to slow down.
Rather than asking ourselves only, "How do I get rid of this feeling?", we might begin to ask different questions:
What am I grieving?
What has this loss meant to me?
What has changed for me?
Where do I notice this feeling in myself?
What might I need to acknowledge or understand?
There may not be an immediate answer.
And perhaps there doesn't need to be.
Sometimes, simply becoming curious about what we are experiencing can be the beginning of understanding it differently.
Making Space for Grief
Grief does not always need to be pushed away or overcome.
Sometimes it needs to be acknowledged.
Sometimes we need to make space for what has changed before we can begin to find a different way of relating to it.
This doesn't mean that we have to stay in the past.
It doesn't mean that we need to find a reason for everything that has happened.
And it doesn't mean that we have to stop feeling sad before we can move forward.
Moving through grief is not necessarily about forgetting, replacing, or denying what has changed.
It can be about allowing ourselves to recognise the loss, understand what it has meant to us, and gradually find a way to carry it as we continue with our lives.
For some people, this may happen naturally over time. For others, talking about what has happened can provide a space to begin making sense of feelings that have been difficult to understand alone.
Finding Space to Explore
This is something that can be explored in counselling.
You don't necessarily need to arrive with a clear understanding of what you are feeling, or even know whether what you are experiencing is grief.
Sometimes we begin simply with the sense that something has changed.
Something doesn't feel quite right.
We may feel stuck, overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure why something continues to affect us.
Counselling can provide a space to slow down and explore these experiences without judgement or pressure to have all the answers.
Together, we can begin to notice the thoughts, feelings, and patterns that are present, and gently explore what they might mean for you.
There is no requirement to move at a particular pace.
Grief is personal, and so is the way we experience and respond to loss.
Perhaps moving through grief isn't about leaving it completely behind.
Perhaps it is about finding a way to acknowledge what has been lost, make space for what we feel, and gradually allow our lives to continue developing around it.
The grief may remain part of our story.
But it does not have to become the whole story.